Urges are a sign of weakness.. Weakness is a sign of addiction.. Addiction is a fault...That fault was mine...

I am new to the whole BLOGGING thing. I never took much stock in those who kept a journal. To me, feelings where personal, private. Not something to be shared with others or posted on a public site for others to read.

I have found that through posting my experiences and adversities. I have been able to help and inspire others. I don't pretend to think I have altered someones reality and been the cause of thier reabilitaion. But those of you that ave posted comments and let me know that this blog has been read and understood have helped me.

For everything that I have lost along the way, my ability to help others was felt the most. Prior to my addiction I was a certified EMT. The knowledge that I possesed and implemented on a daily babsis helped everyone I came into contact with. I did not lose my certification due to drugs. I simply quit caring about others and thier pain and the impact that I could have on them.

Now that I am recovering, I feel the need to regain this aspect of my life. I enjoyed the rush of the calls and the relief in the faces of those I came to help. When you are using, you lose the compassion for others that you are taught as a child. You become cold, numb to the suffering of others. I am sure that everyone has heard the saying: Misery loves company. When activley using METH, I believe that I created misery for those around me.

Now I sound very negative , dont get me wrong. I had fun, alot of fun while using but the payoff was just not there. No matter how much fun I had, the urge was still there for more.

For a control freak, drug addiction is a very odd affliction. We like to be in control of everything. We like to make sure everything is as planned. Now introduce a narcotic, the variables are overwelming. Now comes the really hard part to wrap your head around. Once we begin using, we lose control and dont even notice. We think we are in control because of the quantities we can consume. Yet we snap and become violent with out warning.

I think for me it was the whole, works better under pressure thing. I am not content unless I am responding to emergencies left and right. The since of urgency is a craving for me. That is one thing that METH creates. There is always something to get worked up about. Something to respond to. We create these problem, situations and projects out of loss of control. We know we are loseing it, so we create a problem we can control. We cant get a handle on bills or work but we can rewire the fridge no problem.

Its funny when you think about it. If addiction would let you focus on the imprtant things like finances and work. You could achieve alot. However, addiction tricks you into thinking you are achieving your goals because your goals are no longer real........ It is easy to achieve what cant be seen or measured.

Thats all for today. I hope everyone had a great holiday. For my brothers and sisters who were to SPUN to eat. You missed out!!!!!