Thursday, December 6, 2007

"Time just fades the pictures in my book of memories" G&R

Thinking about and remebering event that transpired during active addiction are two different animals. When I think about my addiction and the things I did, I recoil from myself as if bitten my a snake. When I remeber the things I did, the events and people, I long for that feeling again.

Sounds as if I am slipping? Not even alittle. The thing is, I am appauled by my addiction and the things I did because I am once again a productive member of society. The thought of using again sends images into my mind of washed out faces, filth and insanity. But when I remember the feelings I got from being twisted, I lean in a little closer and embrace the madness.

The age old "catch 22" you want your cake and eat it to. For me that is a daily struggle. Why cant I do dope and manage to pay my bills and have electricity. Why cant I run the roads and close down the bars and wake up to my wife every morning. These are things that are not possible. Niether is being a productive member of life, while killing yourself with every gram or bump or pill.

This is the lure, " I am not one of those dope heads on the street corner, I can control it." This thought has sent many a man and woman to thier grave. This LIE is what keeps us returning to the magical crystal we hide from the world.

I can think back to episodes in my addiction where I was so trashed that my mind was telling me just make it through this and it will be cool. You are not gonna die, just remember this was too much. Then as soon as I would start to come down, I would do more to get back to where I was before. MADNESS!!!!!!!!!!! The definition of insanity is: to repeat the same event over and over expecting a different outcome. I did not want a different outcome physically, mentally I did not want to freak out. That is where the term mental and physical addition enters.

We offten refer to an addiction as a mental problem. But it is not. There is a flaw in our character that makes us use dope. That part is mental however, when meth enters your body there is a chemical change. You think different, you act different, you are different. That is physical in every way. Some might argue that it is mental becuase your brain is affected. Yes, by a physical abnormality in your bodies physical make up. METH is a very addictive drug on both playing fields, physical and mental.

Is it harder to break a mental or a physical addiction? I strruggle with this everyday.

I have broken the physical addiction. I am clean, there are no chemicals in my system or have I? I mentally crave the rush. When I crave the rush of meth my skin tingles, my mouth becomes dry, I chew on my lip and my heart beats faster. Is this not a physical addiction at work. Some would say yes, some would say no.

I say this is a METH addiction. There is no other drug like meth. There is no other addiction like a Meth addiction. It cuts us to the bone and bleeds us dry yet we want the feeling when sober.

I will not use today, just for today! That is all I can promise myself. I am an addict, we use to get high, we use to hide from our troubles and emotions. We use to avoid the realities of life and the mysteries of death. I will not hide from what I dont know. I will face it head on.

Everyone have a great weekend and enjoy life. To my brothers and sisters still "Jumping off the Moon" There are many ways to go through life, I have been on that roller coaster you are on. It is a hell of a ride. But we ride on rollercoasters for fun, the rush the excitment. When did your roller coatster ride become your life. The excitment is long since faded. Take a break for a day or two if you can. I know it is hard to stop. But take a ride on the rollercoaster of life for a few days. Take a look at your self and your husband or wife. You might see something inside of them or each other that is worth living for.

Enough of that preachy crap. If your gonna get trashed, remember that not everyone is who they appear. Hit it once for me I guess.

l8tr

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