Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Back from that hell i so charish

And again, I traveled the road that I know all to well. I dibbel a dabbel, a slip on the slope that slides so fast that the world seems to stay afixed to a certain point in time until you realize that you were the one standing still, letting life, love and everyone pass you by. I think i will begin to write again, should anyone care

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Holidays in Hell?

Holidays are hard times for me as a recovering addict. This was the time of year that I always could justify getting really spun out. Its the HOLIDAYS, LETS GET TRASHED!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This will be my first year sober during the holidays in about 12 years. Every holiday season I would spend the money I was going to buy myself something with on dope. I could rationalize it because it was really a gift, or so I told myself.

This holiday season I will struggle with this aspect of my recovery. The thoughts of using are dancing in my head. I have already tried to justify using this weekend because it is a holiday. I cant say that I wont. We as addicts can not make that kind of leap of faith. I wont use today. That is about as far ahead as I can see for now.

Some of my post seem to paint me as a person that has overcome this battle. I am a strong person, but the advesary of addiction is cunning . I pride myself on my strength, my presence and prowlace.

I will wish you all a very happy holidays. I will be thinking of all of my brothers and sisters that will spend thier holidays getting trashed and envy only their freedom from reality. Reality is a hard place to live.


I seems so long ago that I was using but the truth is it was only yesterday in my mind.

Everyone be safe.

Happy Yule, Merry Christmas, Happy *********** and $%$%$%$%$%$ Just in case I missed your specific holiday, just insert you holiday.


Thursday, December 6, 2007

"Time just fades the pictures in my book of memories" G&R

Thinking about and remebering event that transpired during active addiction are two different animals. When I think about my addiction and the things I did, I recoil from myself as if bitten my a snake. When I remeber the things I did, the events and people, I long for that feeling again.

Sounds as if I am slipping? Not even alittle. The thing is, I am appauled by my addiction and the things I did because I am once again a productive member of society. The thought of using again sends images into my mind of washed out faces, filth and insanity. But when I remember the feelings I got from being twisted, I lean in a little closer and embrace the madness.

The age old "catch 22" you want your cake and eat it to. For me that is a daily struggle. Why cant I do dope and manage to pay my bills and have electricity. Why cant I run the roads and close down the bars and wake up to my wife every morning. These are things that are not possible. Niether is being a productive member of life, while killing yourself with every gram or bump or pill.

This is the lure, " I am not one of those dope heads on the street corner, I can control it." This thought has sent many a man and woman to thier grave. This LIE is what keeps us returning to the magical crystal we hide from the world.

I can think back to episodes in my addiction where I was so trashed that my mind was telling me just make it through this and it will be cool. You are not gonna die, just remember this was too much. Then as soon as I would start to come down, I would do more to get back to where I was before. MADNESS!!!!!!!!!!! The definition of insanity is: to repeat the same event over and over expecting a different outcome. I did not want a different outcome physically, mentally I did not want to freak out. That is where the term mental and physical addition enters.

We offten refer to an addiction as a mental problem. But it is not. There is a flaw in our character that makes us use dope. That part is mental however, when meth enters your body there is a chemical change. You think different, you act different, you are different. That is physical in every way. Some might argue that it is mental becuase your brain is affected. Yes, by a physical abnormality in your bodies physical make up. METH is a very addictive drug on both playing fields, physical and mental.

Is it harder to break a mental or a physical addiction? I strruggle with this everyday.

I have broken the physical addiction. I am clean, there are no chemicals in my system or have I? I mentally crave the rush. When I crave the rush of meth my skin tingles, my mouth becomes dry, I chew on my lip and my heart beats faster. Is this not a physical addiction at work. Some would say yes, some would say no.

I say this is a METH addiction. There is no other drug like meth. There is no other addiction like a Meth addiction. It cuts us to the bone and bleeds us dry yet we want the feeling when sober.

I will not use today, just for today! That is all I can promise myself. I am an addict, we use to get high, we use to hide from our troubles and emotions. We use to avoid the realities of life and the mysteries of death. I will not hide from what I dont know. I will face it head on.

Everyone have a great weekend and enjoy life. To my brothers and sisters still "Jumping off the Moon" There are many ways to go through life, I have been on that roller coaster you are on. It is a hell of a ride. But we ride on rollercoasters for fun, the rush the excitment. When did your roller coatster ride become your life. The excitment is long since faded. Take a break for a day or two if you can. I know it is hard to stop. But take a ride on the rollercoaster of life for a few days. Take a look at your self and your husband or wife. You might see something inside of them or each other that is worth living for.

Enough of that preachy crap. If your gonna get trashed, remember that not everyone is who they appear. Hit it once for me I guess.


Friday, November 23, 2007

Urges are a sign of weakness.. Weakness is a sign of addiction.. Addiction is a fault...That fault was mine...

I am new to the whole BLOGGING thing. I never took much stock in those who kept a journal. To me, feelings where personal, private. Not something to be shared with others or posted on a public site for others to read.

I have found that through posting my experiences and adversities. I have been able to help and inspire others. I don't pretend to think I have altered someones reality and been the cause of thier reabilitaion. But those of you that ave posted comments and let me know that this blog has been read and understood have helped me.

For everything that I have lost along the way, my ability to help others was felt the most. Prior to my addiction I was a certified EMT. The knowledge that I possesed and implemented on a daily babsis helped everyone I came into contact with. I did not lose my certification due to drugs. I simply quit caring about others and thier pain and the impact that I could have on them.

Now that I am recovering, I feel the need to regain this aspect of my life. I enjoyed the rush of the calls and the relief in the faces of those I came to help. When you are using, you lose the compassion for others that you are taught as a child. You become cold, numb to the suffering of others. I am sure that everyone has heard the saying: Misery loves company. When activley using METH, I believe that I created misery for those around me.

Now I sound very negative , dont get me wrong. I had fun, alot of fun while using but the payoff was just not there. No matter how much fun I had, the urge was still there for more.

For a control freak, drug addiction is a very odd affliction. We like to be in control of everything. We like to make sure everything is as planned. Now introduce a narcotic, the variables are overwelming. Now comes the really hard part to wrap your head around. Once we begin using, we lose control and dont even notice. We think we are in control because of the quantities we can consume. Yet we snap and become violent with out warning.

I think for me it was the whole, works better under pressure thing. I am not content unless I am responding to emergencies left and right. The since of urgency is a craving for me. That is one thing that METH creates. There is always something to get worked up about. Something to respond to. We create these problem, situations and projects out of loss of control. We know we are loseing it, so we create a problem we can control. We cant get a handle on bills or work but we can rewire the fridge no problem.

Its funny when you think about it. If addiction would let you focus on the imprtant things like finances and work. You could achieve alot. However, addiction tricks you into thinking you are achieving your goals because your goals are no longer real........ It is easy to achieve what cant be seen or measured.

Thats all for today. I hope everyone had a great holiday. For my brothers and sisters who were to SPUN to eat. You missed out!!!!!

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

14 days and a Wake up

Fourteen days in a wake up and I have made it 90 days. Doesn't seem like much to the sober person. To those that have never known the urge to use a drug it seems a small accomplishment. To those that have and no longer use, you know where I am at. To those that are currently wrapped in the illusion of that mystical crystal. Your only 90 days away from where I am at.

It seems a lifetime ago already. I notice things that would have gone unseen in my active addiction. I see people for who they are and not for what they can do for me or what I can take from them and make them think they wanted to give it to me.

Meth addicts are masters of reverse psychology. We can sell condoms to a priest or get someone to give us their last dime. We are masters of lies or so we think. Most see through it, everyone knows there is something more going on. The user thinks we have them fooled. In reality, we fool ourselves into believing that we are believable.

I know now that my lies caused damage to not only the people I lied to and cheated. My lies caused damage to my reputation and self respect. Everyday I try to find someway to undo a wrong. Everyday I look in the mirror and ask myself if I am proud of the man I see. For today, I am Proud.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Reality is for those that cant handle drugs?

Reality is for those who cant handle drugs. A statement for druggies by druggies. Reality is relative to ones own understanding of thier enviroment.

My reality is new to me because for so long I lived in a state of elevated denile. I was sheltered from reality, shielded from my own hell that I created by the false reality that I manifested in my addiction.

For me, the use of meth was a everyday cycle. I used to tell all of my friends, "better in me than on me!" I was one of those muscle headed idiots that had no limitations on the amount I could do before I would snap. I was always ready to snap, meth just increase the probability that I would.

My friends used to laugh and joke about the way I would throw a piece of meth in my mouth, crunch it between my teeth and swish it around like mouth wash. A friend once told me it was the fouliest thing he had ever seen. For me, it just shortened the time before the effects would kick in. I also enjoyed the taste of the drug.

My use of meth enhanced every aspect of my life, FULL TILT was my objective. Enhanced is an odd choice of words. To enhance means to make better, to encrease or to better something. I nearly lost everything however, the highs I got were unimaginable.

My good friend, whom I am no longer able to associate with used to jump off the moon. By jump off the moon i mean this. We would find two of the largest piece of meth or ice in the bag and throw it in our mouths. Imagine if you would, taking a blind step off the moon and falling to earth, once you hit the ground you bounce back up to pluto. My heart trembles and my skin crawls as I remeber the sensation all to well.

Today was a rough day, I sit in my prestine office, surrounded by all of the work related items and METH still calls me. For people like me....... You can take the meth out of our bodies however, you cant take the meth out of our minds. I may be clean physically but my mind is blowing up on the thought of being fucked up. I am a METH HEAD, fault me if you will, judge me if you are that confident in your life. I know what I am, I know where I have been and I know where I will not be going again. For me this is the reality I wake up with and falll asleep with each day.

I wish my fellow Meth heads the best in thier active addictions. May the crystals be true and the law be oblivious to your quest for that rush. I envy your freedom from the reality of what you are doing to yourself. I hope that your cook has his head on straight and doesnt fry you because he has not slept in a week. I sound like a bitch, you have no idea how much more of a man or woman you can be with out that shit. Contradictions, yup.......... I dont chose to be sober, I MUST........... Because I can not control my addiction. I cant simply get trashed saturday and be ok monday. For me, days become weeks, weeks become months and months end up years later and I have nothing to show for it but scar tissue.

If you ever wonder if your HOOKED. Look yourself in the mirror (when your sober) promise your self you wont get high this weekend, go get some shit and heres the kicker, DONT DO IT!!!!!!!!

Yeah its easy, not a chance in hell. You cant promise yourself that and mean it. You will do it if you have it. I did everytime. I would still do it now. I know where to find it, know I could have it right now. But the promise I made to myself I made honestly. I have people counting on me to remain clean. I have something I have never had, a reality I am in control of. It might not be a bed of roses, but METH never was either. I just know that I love METH, it just doesnt love me back. It steals from me, makes me hurt, makes me hurt people and brings out the monster that lives with in my mind.

I am an addict, my addiction is meth, I will never be cured but I dont have to use today to get to tommorrow. I am not willing to sacrifice my self for my addiction. My addiction must become a driving force to remain sober if I am to survive.

Thats all I have tonight. In the future, I plan to post my jurnal entries from my experiences at a rehab clinic in Birmingham Alabama. This might help shed alittle light on where I am coming from.

To the die hards. There is no one outside the window. Make sure your shades are not all bent up. The people next door will notice that..........

Monday, September 24, 2007

For some a meth addiction is a recreational hobby (at first). For some it is an instant obsession, others still can use it for the first time and never touch it again. For me, obsession would be an understatement.

During the first few years of my addiction I kept it very well hid, or so I thought. Everyone knew I had a problem except me. The years went by in a blur. Party after party, the loss of several relationships, the beginging of the end of my relationship with my EX WIFE. No matter, my best friend was always there. "Billy" and I had always been friends. Since middle school we were always into trouble.

I was a mitlitary brat, having just moved to St. Mary's Ga. I had no friends.